RassMalaai Rites

Is it fascination or identification? I would not say that I have been struggling  with this conundrum "all my life". But there are several moments of comfort that I can recall. All these moments of comfort (actually not "all" but at least the ones I have in mind) are ones where I dressed in a "woman's" attire. Other than looking (objectively) pretty, there was also a sense of being in one's own skin. An exhilarating feeling of being extremely true to oneself. However, these moments have been extremely private, if one discounts the "dressing up as the other gender" that almost every elder sibling subjects their guinea pigs to, in full-family view, often photographed and memorialized. Whenever I have chosen  to do those things to myself, it was when no one was looking, no one was present and no one but me had the option to remember or record it. If it is not in the public, is it not true? No record, so it didn't happen? But that is not

I swipe through profiles on Tinder, almost as a force of habit. When I match with someone, I'm thrilled. I send an excited message to them, hoping they'd reply. Sometimes, there is a short lived conversation. Sometimes so short that it ends with an "I'm good". Sometimes, it develops into a long monologue about life, love, loss and longing. And they are reminded of me only when there is something else to rant about. And I'm forced to think, "Am I not approaching people the right way?", "Are my 'hi's and 'hello's too regular and boring?", "Am I a boring person to chat with, in the first place?", "Do people only want to talk about their life problems with me?". One of my friends recently told me (and a group of other friends) that I give "amazing teacher vibes". Now, of course, that's a compliment, considering the professional stage I'm in. But has that always been so? These compliments/cha