Fascinating/Identifying (II)

I don’t want to dwell in the past. But sometimes, it flashes across my mind. That of being decked up. That of my sister saying that I don't need to be stuffed with oranges, I have a plump chest anyway. Of staring at my mother getting ready. Her jewellery. Her cheap, sticky, cakey foundation which she sometimes applied on me. Touching her sarees and feeling beautiful just looking at them. Of observing how my mother and sister emerged from a bath with one towel wrapped around their heads and another pulled upto above their breasts. I imitated that, and no one really said anything.

Today, when I put on my sister’s or my girlfriends’ dresses and look in the mirror, I go wow. Who is she? Where was she? When my chest fits into those padded bras, I can’t help feeling gorgeous. When these clothes fit me perfectly, I don’t want to take them off. I want to walk, eat and sleep in them. But when I do take them off and my eyes travel down to my penis, there is a certain awkwardness. Why is it there? There is an automatic disconnect that registers in my head. This doesn’t go with the overall image, I think. Everytime I take a photograph of my naked self, I hide the penis because I don’t want to break the illusion (or realness?).

Is it an illusion, though? What is it, anyway? I can’t seem to put a name to it. Do I want to inhabit this identity or just perform it? Is there a difference? Honestly, these questions don’t wear me down, and sometimes I’m even excited at the prospect the future holds. Probably that’s the reason why I’m always enthusiastic to try on a new dress, or make my face up. Am I scared? Sometimes. But of late, I’ve been able to drive those inhibitions away. Even if marginally.

The one thing that I do struggle with is that am I going for an aesthetic or an identity affirmation? Am I hinging on a stereotype to show myself how I truly feel? I do feel confident and more sure of myself when I wear makeup/dress-up. That yes, this is how I want to project myself. This is what I feel is my input to my identity and my output to the world. There is a slight apprehension of judgment but somehow, being surrounded by affirming people lets me be me.

Right now, I’m at that stage where I want to explore. Explore what I like doing with myself – i.e. makeup, dressing. And see where that takes me. And I don’t want to rush it. An anxious mind like mine anyway buzzes like an excited vibrator to the point of feeling like lead in a few seconds. So, and I guess this is the one time when I truly mean when I say this, let’s see how it goes.

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