The Orientation

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“Nikal Jao, Ma,....is ghar se chali jao...You have a sick mind, a filthy mind, jao...” Wow, I wish I could say all this (not the SAME things, but some things with the same thrust).

More than a confession to anyone else, it was one to me. Did it make any difference to me or to someone else? I can’t say about anyone else but for me, it did. Not that it legitimised certain things but it did give a solid reason for their commission. It was one thing that ultimately got solved and someone has to be thanked for it. Thank you, Poopie.

How does it go from here? I know, if seen in exclusion from everyone around me, it would be WOW. But that’s true for everyone. Everyone does something or the other because of an external push. But I can’t orient my life because of that external push. Sometimes, I wonder, whether there is an external push? Or is it something people say, “It depends from person to person” (I hate this line, it’s pathetic, sick and extremely clichéd but it is sadly, true).
Maybe I am imagining pressure from imaginary areas. Maybe it’s plain paranoia. Maybe, it’s true. Sometimes, it’s like, “Chuck it yaar, who gives a damn about what the fucking world thinks?”. But you have to give a fuck, at least, now. Sometimes, it’s like, is it even important to be determined how my life should be oriented? Yes, it is. At this stage, when everything of this sort is at its peak, you do have to give a fuck and you HAVE to be determined, if not, at least decisive.

This conviction in my belief has to be buttressed with another conviction. Conviction in the belief that you can do anything and everything irrespective of how your life is oriented. Conviction in the belief that no matter how you appear to the world, it is how you evaluate yourself and how you appear to yourself that will be a decisive factor in your life. Am I being too idealistic? I don’t know. But these sorts of things do motivate you. It, at least, if not anything else, gives you something strong and sturdy to start your day with, something to help you persevere.

And moreover, why do I need to write it all down? It’s because, this is the best form of expression that you can deal with. The mouth fumbles while saying things; the mind is rendered incapable unless accompanied with the fingers and when the latter two combine is when you best express yourself. So, go on.

Does it have to be associated with stereotypes? Does it HAVE to be as it is commonly perceived? No, I think not. It’s just because you are so is why you emote so. Or maybe, it’s because you’ve been in that position that you think so.

One very strong obstacle that prevented me from confessing was the same argument presented above. “It’s maybe because you’ve been IN this for so long is why you’re so; try a new perspective.” What kind of a fucked-up argument is that? Okay, let’s take that into serious consideration. Maybe, it’s because of that. Fine, now what? How am I supposed to adopt a “new perspective”? Just by noticing that aspect which I didn’t for so long, which in turn is supposed to mean that I am supposed to perpetually look everyone from that perspective only? And moreover, if that’s not how GOD (ugh!) was supposed to create me, if that WAS by the process of induction, then it means I wasn’t so in the first place. Fine. Why didn’t I raise a voice when it happened for the first time? Because I was scared? And why did it continue? Because someone else was so overpowering? No, God damn it, it was because I yearned for it. That was because I liked it. That was because I was so and I am so. No regrets.

Now, there creeps in this FEAR thought. Is it fear? Is it the fear of acceptance? Somewhere down, I think why shouldn’t there be acceptance? What is so inherently WRONG in it? Maybe, it’s my inherent goodness and saint-like qualities ;) that make me say so. But, it is a strong argument. I have been associated with people for a LONG time. People who constitute parents, friends, mates, passers-by (they don’t make much difference, do they? sometimes they do, if the passer-by was an old friend/mate/partner). There is a feeling of betrayal that creeps in. “I have been lying to these awesome people, what will they think? More than lying, it’s been concealment.” It’s like they’ll dump me if they come to know about it. But that’s the FIRST thought. At a closer scrutiny, some people get filtered out. The residue?  I don’t care. And the fact there are some people who I think I will betray, remain in the residue, I shouldn’t care.

Am I being too full of myself? Am I reaffirming the belief of others as to my being so by my saying so? The fact is I need to be full of myself at this moment. The check however remains that it need not be every time. That’s because you’ve got to live here; not just live, survive too. And that’s the way about it. But for the time being, one thing is certain and certain to the conformity of another. I’m gay.

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