The Downsides of a new Bestie(?)

-
So, there is this moment when you believe, in all sincerity, that you have, in your life a new person whom you can trust, tell your secrets, spend time and do all that shit you do with an old friend. You start liking that person despite his shortcomings. You are the sort of person who likes to hold on to relationships and sustain them. You are the one who believes that one requires a good deal of time-spending for a friendship, or for that matter, any relationship to nurture. But then, at times, it feels as if the blossoming of this 'relationship' was pretty immature and basically, not required. You feel that this is becoming too one-sided, requiring too much of an 'investment' of effort on your part. And then you begin to realize that you always knew what kind of a person he was. You always knew that there might be a point of time in the future where you might have to face what you are facing now. So, you entered into this 'relationship' with all this in mind. So, does that discredit the ongoing rant ? Only because I knew what I was entering into? I don’t know. There was a clarification I sought at the beginning. And received a response quite in the affirmative, to the extent of me being acknowledged as someone worthy of being held on to. But now, it seems, it’s fading away. Just on the verge of slipping away. 

Why have I come to be so concerned about this 'relationship' in particular? Is it because I have started genuinely liking him? And the does the fact of it not being met with the required reciprocity become a source of worry? I guess that is a problem. The problem of reciprocity which forms the very basis of the existence of some relationship. And then, there is also the anxiety that he would still not acknowledge or even know that there is something wrong in the 'relationship'. There is something lacking. Something has depreciated. Has he even noticed it? I guess not. Because I haven’t made it explicit. Should I make it explicit? I don’t know. If he considers me to be someone worthy of being held on to, I’d better not.

But there still remains a question which has remained a source of worry for quite some time now. That of my genuinely liking him. Do I? At some points of time, I do. And that is when my ‘investment of effort’ into the ‘relationship’ is the maximum. And the lack of an ‘investment’ of such sorts on his part is discouraging. And that’s when posts like these are written. That’s when such analyses happen. And that’s when some solutions emerge. That of the beginning of a reverse ‘investment’. That of retraction. That of the beginning of the end of such liking. That of the employment of a conscious effort of doing so. But I know I will falter somewhere. And what will I do then? I’ll write another blogpost.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Unlikely City

-
Image
There was a slight rustle in the palm tree across the garden abutting the lake and I noticed an old worn-out branch crashing on the manicured lawn below. The city lights reflected in the water and the moon shone bright in a starless sky. I could neither hear the water rippling slowly nor the cars driving by on the other side of the lake made any sound. Just tiny flickers of light following each other, as if in a school parade instructed by a rather stern-looking instructor. I stubbed my cigarette on the rusty balcony railing and waited for the smoke to vanish completely before heading back into the room to plant myself between two bodies and be alone again.   I often find myself alone with my thoughts. Sometimes, it seems like a pointless, melancholic and pretentious exercise of talking to myself. Sometimes, I want to write them down that very moment but often don’t for either lack of effort or resources. And sometimes, I go into long winding imaginations of the future, rather of m...
Read more

Love Spoils (II)

-
Such a weird creature, desire. A few weeks ago, I was narrating my experience of a date to a friend. Although things didn't work out eventually, the night itself was memorable. We had dinner, went on a drive, made out in his car and debated the logistics of having sex in that limited space. But we didn't. Especially because I wanted the date to go, for once, according to me. And anyway, I enjoy making out more than anything else. I can spend hours exploring a person's mouth, ruffling through their hair and touching their skin. And he was happy to oblige. Whenever I think of that night, I ask myself this question - What do I really miss? The person, or the experience? Are these two questions so exclusive anyway? However, the answer is always 'experience'. I do miss the excitement of getting ready, going out, taking the metro, stepping into a restaurant, to (preferably) see someone waiting, talking and then (hopefully) going for a walk or a drive. I miss the process. ...
Read more

Fascinating/Identifying (II)

-
I don’t want to dwell in the past. But sometimes, it flashes across my mind. That of being decked up. That of my sister saying that I don't need to be stuffed with oranges, I have a plump chest anyway. Of staring at my mother getting ready. Her jewellery. Her cheap, sticky, cakey foundation which she sometimes applied on me. Touching her sarees and feeling beautiful just looking at them. Of observing how my mother and sister emerged from a bath with one towel wrapped around their heads and another pulled upto above their breasts. I imitated that, and no one really said anything. Today, when I put on my sister’s or my girlfriends’ dresses and look in the mirror, I go wow. Who is she? Where was she? When my chest fits into those padded bras, I can’t help feeling gorgeous. When these clothes fit me perfectly, I don’t want to take them off. I want to walk, eat and sleep in them. But when I do take them off and my eyes travel down to my penis, there is a certain awkwardness. Why is it ...
Read more