A Thing of the Past(?)

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The face and body of Ram has long evaded me. Consciously or sub-consciously, his image has become a thing of the past, which I think is for good. However, whenever his face or even the idea of him strikes back, is when the mind starts spinning in some unknown direction. And mostly, the central question is ‘Why?’ Why after so long? Why does his face or his memory still stir something in me? And why was it that this morning he came in my dream, in the same way he used to come on to me ten years back?

The dream, or what I recall of it, was extremely brief. As of now, I recall a room, similar to my room in my home in Lucknow, although painted in the earlier sky blue colour. What I distinctly recall is his bare body, going up and down on me. I can’t see his face, but I know it’s him. That dotted-pigmented skin, that lean figure, but that resolute force. I cannot picture where his hands are. It’s only his head and his body that I recall now. It’s positioned in a way so as to resemble an umbrella like covering over me. Even though I know it’s a dream, I can feel him on me. I could still feel his penis going inside me, tearing through time and distance. And I know I was aroused because I woke up to wet shorts and a wet bedsheet.


For a few moments, I could not help feeling disgusted that I could still be aroused by his memory. That I am still capable of erection and ejaculation, thinking of him. Why did I not wake up at that moment when I knew it was him? Why did it take a goddamn wet bedsheet for me to shake off that vision? I frankly don’t know. But for sure, I couldn’t sleep after that. I tossed and turned, cleaned myself, checked my phone, thought of the upcoming trip to Hyderabad, but nothing could shake of that disgust. I don’t know what will.

Comments

  1. Desi.Underground.Gay12 May 2016 at 16:19

    Have you ever imagined yourself confronting him and perhaps getting closure? I know this is not an answer, but this helps me....sometimes...just imagining me telling them what I wanted to say and perhaps moving on

    ReplyDelete
  2. rassmalaai12 May 2016 at 16:45

    Haan, I have. But I really don't know what I will begin with, from where to begin with. But yes, closure is important. Because something else also happened after this. Shall update you.

    ReplyDelete

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