Deliberately (?)

Last night, I deliberately walked back home from the metro station. It was beyond midnight and the road was dotted only by barricades and streetlights. The decision to do so was almost impulsive, although I can't be entirely sure. There was also a desire. A desire to be looked at, called upon, and touched. 

The walk back home is almost a kilometre and it usually takes ten to fifteen minutes. I had reached the market near my home and had taken a turn to get into my lane when I heard a loud whistle. I looked back; no one. I tried to strain my eyes and look, still no one. I walked ahead. When I was well near my gate, I could sense headlights flashing behind me. I looked back but couldn't see a face, the headlights glaring into my eyes. I went inside my gate but could see a car moving ahead from the corner of my eyes. I stood there, with my back towards the car, pretending to check my phone. A man emerged from the car asking for directions to get out of the colony, as there were barricades all around. And he had come into the colony to a dead end. Asking for directions. Subtle.

I stepped out, looked at him and explained the way out. He still had some questions. I went closer, and he moved towards me too. And I explained the directions again. He lingered. I also stayed there for a few seconds. "I can come with you to guide you out of the colony", I said. He looked at me, hardly displaying any emotion. "Yeah, I want to get out on the main road...how will you come back home?", he asked. "Don't worry about that", I said.

I stepped into his car. And we drove off in the direction of the main road. He slowed the car and my hand reached out to this thigh. "Oh, to ye scene hai?", he asked. "Aapko kya laga, kya scene hai?", I asked. He smiled. I stroked his dick from the outside, feeling the denim of his jeans. He turned the car and drove back to where we met, slowly bringing the car to a halt outside the colony gate. "Yahan to bahut police aati hogi na? Hum chalte chalte bhi to kar sakte hain?". I was in no mood to deny. "Haan, kyon nahi." It was at that moment that something changed. "Bahut late ho gaya hai, aap ghar chale jao, wahi behtar rahega". I was not prepared for this. When I asked him what happened, he repeated what he said earlier. I walked out of the car, into my colony and straight into my house. 

Was it the nervousness of doing something in a public space or a sudden repulsion at the entire thing that was responsible for the turn of events last night? I'm not sure. Had it not been for reluctance on the other person's part, I would have gone all the way, I think. Desperation makes me do crazy things, accept proposals from anywhere and anytime; decisions taken during this time are devoid of logic or propriety and sometimes I wonder: why do I drive myself to such a situation? And I don't find anyone else to blame for my behaviour. But a part of me also doesn't regret such behaviour. I want to indulge in it, sometimes be forced into it and be soaked wet in it. But last night, I had to make do with masturbation. And be disappointed. Again.