RassMalaai Rites

I was wondering what it would be like if my teeth were made of chocolate. Not chocolate in specific, but rather, melody (the toffee). It would be a pleasurable exercise to sit every other minute and till 32 minutes just chew each of my teeth to satisfaction. And then, sweep my tongue over the entire gum. The last bits of the melody left over the gums would be nice. Specially, to find them here and there. The feeling of surprise to find some bit hidden somewhere and even after an hour continue finding bits and pieces of the melody in the mouth actually excites me. Yes, I am jobless. I am not getting convinced to the core. I am not finding that force which binds me to this stupid exercise. This is a different exercise I am talking about. Is it again under-rating myself? Or am I just realizing my ‘aukaat’? My mind is inclined to believing the second proposition. And I cannot think of anything else than the fact as to the quantum of things that the ‘exercise’ will snatch away...

Doesn't an aerial view of any freaking thing in the world look amazing? A slum looks aesthetic, a game of volleyball (however much pain the players might be going through) looks fun, a city in the night looks like a sea of light, I guess the world looks minute and so so the various complexities associated with it. A city, however much crowded and congested, looks planned in some sort of way. And the mind, well, is invisible and I guess this is the reason why everything looks simple and planned. You know why I was watching the volleyball game (if you can actually call it a game, I don't know)? Just waiting for the appropriate moment for 'him' to take that shirt off his chest. He's lean, thin but it's nice to see his body bathed in the sweat (today, it would be the rain, I guess), making the graduations in his body even more prominent. The fact that he doesn't flaunt adds so much to the amount of love (?) for him. This music is actually rushing the adre...

I never knew I would have had to restrict my emotions to such a level. I had never realized that even after the “coming out” I would have had to face such a kind of dilemma. You know, I had always imagined that once it is out of my mind and being and there among the others, I would be a bit relaxed and a bit more free-spirited in terms of expression and love for another. But I guess, I had painted too beautiful and utopian a future and cynicism had never crept into it. Time for some dose of the same. It’s the heavy feeling when he looks, it’s the increase in the temperature at his sight meeting mine, it’s the smell of his body when he passes by, it’s every crap that comes out of his mouth, it’s his eccentricities, his idiosyncrasies, it’s his regular utterance of the same dialogue, it’s the warmth in his hug, it’s the smell of his breath, it’s the touch of his shirt, it’s his holding of my arm, it’s that one time when he kissed me on the cheek, it’s the one time when we hug...

Sometimes, it is best to go with what you’re thinking. To just go and do it. Don’t worry. I am not talking about sexual fantasies and going on to bang the next nude guy you see. Procrastination seems to be fine at the moment when you’re doing it. The period post it is horrible. And you know what? We make every effort to not make it horrible by doing other horrible things. Like wasting more time. Is what I am doing right now procrastination? What do I think is procrastination? Do I need a dictionary for it? No. It’s not listening to what your heart says what you should do at the time when it says so. At the present moment, it asked me to write. So here I am, spilling whatever my heart dictates. The other day I wanted to write about a cigarette. I was entering the college gate with my friends after having had a smoke at the rocks. But I didn’t write. And I didn’t do anything otherwise too. Why? I don’t know. Was it because I was influenced? Or was it because some other crazy ...

Well, it is an accepted fact now. Questions and doubts regarding the same can’t change anything now. And frankly, all of this vexes me. It is like people aren’t ready to accept the fact in its totality. Well, it’s clear and out there! The entire time and thought process can’t be centralized around this fact. It’s well and good that I’m gay and the acceptance of the same fact by me, myself is proof enough of the fact that I need not provide clarifications to anyone else. I need something, something that now sets me forward on to the track chosen by me. Some kind of a Lord, you know, to set me on and set me in. The experiences shared by people who have similar kind of experiences might prove of some help, I don’t deny but they don’t seem to be of any help as of now. It’s like I am able to identify with those experiences and feel what he’s been through/felt but what after that? It has been a crazy time, though. Of revelations, of confrontations, of acceptances, of s...