Finally, a decision

-

I was wondering what it would be like if my teeth were made of chocolate. Not chocolate in specific, but rather, melody (the toffee). It would be a pleasurable exercise to sit every other minute and till 32 minutes just chew each of my teeth to satisfaction. And then, sweep my tongue over the entire gum. The last bits of the melody left over the gums would be nice. Specially, to find them here and there. The feeling of surprise to find some bit hidden somewhere and even after an hour continue finding bits and pieces of the melody in the mouth actually excites me. Yes, I am jobless.

I am not getting convinced to the core. I am not finding that force which binds me to this stupid exercise. This is a different exercise I am talking about. Is it again under-rating myself? Or am I just realizing my ‘aukaat’? My mind is inclined to believing the second proposition. And I cannot think of anything else than the fact as to the quantum of things that the ‘exercise’ will snatch away from me. It’s not as if other activities I am involved in don’t snatch away other valuable things or activities I am supposed to do. But the fact remains that I know that I will be able to do the things  I want to and am supposed to even after the commission of ‘other things’. This is not happening at all. Somehow, I feel that I am convincing myself not to do it. But, it would also be better that if  I am able to convince myself not to do it. Because if I remain in a stalemate, it would not only ruin my prospects but also the prospects of other associated individuals, which I wouldn’t want to happen in any way.

I think I should not focus as to what the other might think. It’s my decision and I should stick to it. The very first instance when I assented to it was only premature. Without any inquiry into the subject matter of the same, I assented and did not proceed any further. Now, I am failing miserably in retaining (if there had been any sort of retention on my part, as if!) that assertion. I think I should plainly call him up and put up a BLANK no. I am going to do that now. Wish me luck!

Comments

  1. A Passerby21 October 2011 at 21:02

    How can you chew if your teeth are made of chocolate?

    ReplyDelete
  2. rassmalaai22 October 2011 at 00:15

    Sorry. I didn't realize the technicality of it while I was writing the above. But,....I don't know...Whatever!

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Love Spoils (II)

-
Such a weird creature, desire. A few weeks ago, I was narrating my experience of a date to a friend. Although things didn't work out eventually, the night itself was memorable. We had dinner, went on a drive, made out in his car and debated the logistics of having sex in that limited space. But we didn't. Especially because I wanted the date to go, for once, according to me. And anyway, I enjoy making out more than anything else. I can spend hours exploring a person's mouth, ruffling through their hair and touching their skin. And he was happy to oblige. Whenever I think of that night, I ask myself this question - What do I really miss? The person, or the experience? Are these two questions so exclusive anyway? However, the answer is always 'experience'. I do miss the excitement of getting ready, going out, taking the metro, stepping into a restaurant, to (preferably) see someone waiting, talking and then (hopefully) going for a walk or a drive. I miss the process.
Read more

Unlikely City

-
Image
There was a slight rustle in the palm tree across the garden abutting the lake and I noticed an old worn-out branch crashing on the manicured lawn below. The city lights reflected in the water and the moon shone bright in a starless sky. I could neither hear the water rippling slowly nor the cars driving by on the other side of the lake made any sound. Just tiny flickers of light following each other, as if in a school parade instructed by a rather stern-looking instructor. I stubbed my cigarette on the rusty balcony railing and waited for the smoke to vanish completely before heading back into the room to plant myself between two bodies and be alone again.   I often find myself alone with my thoughts. Sometimes, it seems like a pointless, melancholic and pretentious exercise of talking to myself. Sometimes, I want to write them down that very moment but often don’t for either lack of effort or resources. And sometimes, I go into long winding imaginations of the future, rather of mysel
Read more

Love Spoils

-
I swipe through profiles on Tinder, almost as a force of habit. When I match with someone, I'm thrilled. I send an excited message to them, hoping they'd reply. Sometimes, there is a short lived conversation. Sometimes so short that it ends with an "I'm good". Sometimes, it develops into a long monologue about life, love, loss and longing. And they are reminded of me only when there is something else to rant about. And I'm forced to think, "Am I not approaching people the right way?", "Are my 'hi's and 'hello's too regular and boring?", "Am I a boring person to chat with, in the first place?", "Do people only want to talk about their life problems with me?". One of my friends recently told me (and a group of other friends) that I give "amazing teacher vibes". Now, of course, that's a compliment, considering the professional stage I'm in. But has that always been so? These compliments/cha
Read more