The crap that smells nice

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I never knew I would have had to restrict my emotions to such a level. I had never realized that even after the “coming out” I would have had to face such a kind of dilemma. You know, I had always imagined that once it is out of my mind and being and there among the others, I would be a bit relaxed and a bit more free-spirited in terms of expression and love for another. But I guess, I had painted too beautiful and utopian a future and cynicism had never crept into it. Time for some dose of the same.

It’s the heavy feeling when he looks, it’s the increase in the temperature at his sight meeting mine, it’s the smell of his body when he passes by, it’s every crap that comes out of his mouth, it’s his eccentricities, his idiosyncrasies, it’s his regular utterance of the same dialogue, it’s the warmth in his hug, it’s the smell of his breath, it’s the touch of his shirt, it’s his holding of my arm, it’s that one time when he kissed me on the cheek, it’s the one time when we hugged and danced on the song none of us could understand, it’s just the feeling of his being around that is enough to make me feel even more sad that he can’t be mine.

Yes. I understand the reality. I understand the situation. I know the impracticality of the same. I am a fool to expect anything to happen. I am an idiot to even fantasize about the feasibility of anything working out between the both of us. I know he’ll freak out when he comes to know the truth. But I want him to be around. I want him to hug me and dance on the song we never understood. I want him to say anything he wants too and I want myself to cut him every time he utters anything. 

This is the problem. Where’s the cynicism? Where’s the realization of ground realities? Where’s the coming back to terms with reality? Where is the exit from this illusory world? This is not the Harry Potter world which I have been associated with since 6th grade where Voldemort  dies in the end. Here, the world I live in, Voldemort rises and strengthens again. Maybe, Harry will kill it here too. But I guess this is the end of the 5th year at Hogwarts. Voldemort is back. He is strong. Maybe Harry will succeed in procuring the Elder Wand and making him realize the folly of the same. But, there’s one doubt. Who’s Harry here? And who’s Voldemort? Maybe, they are two-in-one. Maybe, at certain points, in this neutral body, there’s sometimes a Harry, there’s sometimes a Voldemort. There’s sometimes both of them in equal strength. God I wish I could say those two words. Damn. Avada Kedavara.

Let’s end this on a positive note. It’s good to do so. It’s happy to predict a blissful future and a flowery relationship. Let’s just not jump into an abyss and not see the light. Let’s just be crazily optimistic. Let’s say, “Lumos.”

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