RassMalaai Rites

Okay. This is a happy post. Like, one of those light, buoyant* types. Where I feel extremely nice about myself. Like this minion. I feel like looking around and smiling at everyone, at the cost of seeming stupid. I guess this is one of those few times (and quite late in my life) where I feel like a teenager. Maybe because I didn't have that 'teenage' life. But whatever, it feels like this is that life, and I don't want to think about the past and cry or whine or crib. Obviously, I can't think of anything impossible to happen now. It's just that there is this recognition of something I have harboured for a long time, and when I see the acknowledgment of that recognition on someone's face, it's just amazing. I mean 'amazing' is too shallow a feeling (is that even a feeling?); it's just beyond explanation, I guess! Well, I have important things to do, I know. But I thought it better to write it down than let it linger in my mind. So, yeah...

Well, this was something I had been planning since quite some time. I hadn't arrived at a perfect moment to do it, although the moment I chose was something I had thought of at more than one instance. I don't regret the manner in which I did it. It was a moment when I was extremely happy and buoyant and more so because of the reaction. The way his eyes had lit up (maybe in shock, or sheer happiness, I don't know!) and that full smile, is something I can still picture in my mind. Well, the only confusing bit is that minute little possibility that because of the state of inebriation, he might not recall it now! But well, I don't think that's completely true, given the events that have transpired since. To my mind, that moment was not about me coming out to him as gay, (although yes, that was an underlying assumption) but more of an admission of me liking him. Obviously one can't control the nature and manner of information that flows from mouth to ear in this p...

Deciding what you want to do for a living can be very difficult. Especially at a juncture when you know a lot is at stake. Having pursued a professional course for 4 years without much direction and thought and having arrived at that point of time when the question is not what you want to do but whether you should have pursued the course at all, it becomes mind-numbingly atrocious to search for the answers to the above questions. Consequently, there is an onset of a plethora of existential questions. Questions which are more in the nature of doubting one's decisions, one's actions and one's lack of taking some necessary steps. The most prevalent thought in these times is the lack of thought and consideration invested at the beginning of it all. Yes, it's okay to be disoriented for a while in the beginning due to reasons of the entire thing being completely new and overwhelming. One is in one of the best institutions of the country and the fact of being there fills on...

There used to be a time when I had something concrete in mind before I would pen down a post. Now it's just like, "haven't written in a while, and hence should do something about it". This post is not something that exactly conforms to that idea. I do have something in mind, nothing well-formed but yes, something to begin with. The past week was an unreasonably panicky one. There were things that I learned, no second-thoughts about that. But, it was more like "Oh my god, the day is fast approaching, and I am nowhere". Even such a thought was quite unreasonable and it was this thinking that made me lose my mind and forget everything (or most of it) that I had been feeding into my brain since the beginning of this semester. Why this fear though? General panick-y attitude? Or was it an overreaction? Or was it well-founded due to all what had and has been transpiring for quite some time now? Don't know. A blend of everything in varied proportions, I gues...

So much has been written, so much has been given a thought; sometimes, more than a thought. Is all this thinking, writing, internal discussion going waste? There is bound to be some gap between thought and action, an acceptable gap though. Otherwise, what's stopping it from being termed as hypocrisy? Is it the fear of being judged? Or is it the anticipated retaliation (or just a reaction) to the final outburst? Does this stem from the fact that people like being with those who constantly massage their ego? Does an instance of not 'massaging' so become an act of one not being true to oneself? Does the other person even know what is being 'true to oneself'? Does the other person even know the other one? Does he or for that matter, anyone know me? There is of course, an image, an impression rather. An impression of someone who is not that vehement, someone not so outspoken, someone who is a bit docile, someone whose actions can be anticipated, expected and controll...