An admission to oneself
Deciding what you want to do for a living can be very difficult. Especially at a juncture when you know a lot is at stake. Having pursued a professional course for 4 years without much direction and thought and having arrived at that point of time when the question is not what you want to do but whether you should have pursued the course at all, it becomes mind-numbingly atrocious to search for the answers to the above questions. Consequently, there is an onset of a plethora of existential questions. Questions which are more in the nature of doubting one's decisions, one's actions and one's lack of taking some necessary steps.
The most prevalent thought in these times is the lack of thought and consideration invested at the beginning of it all. Yes, it's okay to be disoriented for a while in the beginning due to reasons of the entire thing being completely new and overwhelming. One is in one of the best institutions of the country and the fact of being there fills one with pride and a certain amount of validation due to reasons of recognition of one's efforts. However, it is when this pride and self-validation start to eclipse every other thing in one's tenure in the institution that the problem starts to set in. The funny thing being that one does not seem to realize that there is a problem. Or even when one minutely identifies the problem, it is shrugged off as an one-off instance, something that can be easily overcome by one's being in such a prestigious place. What is not realized at that point of time is that the institution is not prestigious by itself. It is the units of that institution which make it so. And it is not as if these units have to act in a certain defined manner to sustain the brilliance of the institution. If the units were to be uniform, there is no question of brilliance or the institution attaining any level of the same.
Right now, I am in such a position. I have taken certain decisions which I regret. I didn't regret them at the moment when I took them, but the very fact that I didn't traverse the path required consequent to the decision-making makes me repent them now. I have been a fool, no denying, but there were moments when I could have taken a step back, thought and chartered a new course. One may ask, 'What's the use of this over-thinking now?'. I don't have an answer. Except that this is something which has been troubling me for a long time and I have never given it a thought. Go with the flow, everything will sort itself out. I know, everything will fall into place eventually, everything will start to make sense ultimately, but right now, it seems like I have lost all authority. Authority over my decisions, my actions, my thoughts, my convictions. As of now, there is not one thing that I can say with the utmost conviction and challenge anyone to question that. Nothing. Zilch. And this worries me. Is this because I live in a place where everyone, in some sphere, is so sure of oneself? Well, I can't blame the place. To an extent, yes, but this is the choice I made. I find a lacuna in everything I do, everything I say. Nothing is very fulfilling. Except the brief period after a submission, after an examination when one is leaving this place and travelling to the comforts of one's home, the safety-net (or valve, whatever!). But that is brief. One lands up here after a month or two anyway. In the beginning, there is a certain level of enthusiasm, one has the zeal to do everything but slowly it wanes. And then it reaches the level of absolute distaste. Distaste to the extent that I lose all interest and get lost in my own world of randomness. This period gets manifested in doing things which, at the moment, contribute to negating the effort invested in the beginning. And when it is the time for the end, there is just hope. The hope that everything sorts itself out. That's when all the introspection and retrospection occur. By then, it's too late. Too fucking late.
I know for a fact that, right now, I have to spend time in a planned manner. Doing things absolutely necessary and avoiding those which are even remotely not contributing to the objective for the few coming weeks. This post is completely out of line. However, I needed this. I needed to sort my insecurities and my mistakes. Otherwise, I wouldn't have been aware of them and would have headed towards another disaster. Good that it's done. Now, let's get back.
The most prevalent thought in these times is the lack of thought and consideration invested at the beginning of it all. Yes, it's okay to be disoriented for a while in the beginning due to reasons of the entire thing being completely new and overwhelming. One is in one of the best institutions of the country and the fact of being there fills one with pride and a certain amount of validation due to reasons of recognition of one's efforts. However, it is when this pride and self-validation start to eclipse every other thing in one's tenure in the institution that the problem starts to set in. The funny thing being that one does not seem to realize that there is a problem. Or even when one minutely identifies the problem, it is shrugged off as an one-off instance, something that can be easily overcome by one's being in such a prestigious place. What is not realized at that point of time is that the institution is not prestigious by itself. It is the units of that institution which make it so. And it is not as if these units have to act in a certain defined manner to sustain the brilliance of the institution. If the units were to be uniform, there is no question of brilliance or the institution attaining any level of the same.
Right now, I am in such a position. I have taken certain decisions which I regret. I didn't regret them at the moment when I took them, but the very fact that I didn't traverse the path required consequent to the decision-making makes me repent them now. I have been a fool, no denying, but there were moments when I could have taken a step back, thought and chartered a new course. One may ask, 'What's the use of this over-thinking now?'. I don't have an answer. Except that this is something which has been troubling me for a long time and I have never given it a thought. Go with the flow, everything will sort itself out. I know, everything will fall into place eventually, everything will start to make sense ultimately, but right now, it seems like I have lost all authority. Authority over my decisions, my actions, my thoughts, my convictions. As of now, there is not one thing that I can say with the utmost conviction and challenge anyone to question that. Nothing. Zilch. And this worries me. Is this because I live in a place where everyone, in some sphere, is so sure of oneself? Well, I can't blame the place. To an extent, yes, but this is the choice I made. I find a lacuna in everything I do, everything I say. Nothing is very fulfilling. Except the brief period after a submission, after an examination when one is leaving this place and travelling to the comforts of one's home, the safety-net (or valve, whatever!). But that is brief. One lands up here after a month or two anyway. In the beginning, there is a certain level of enthusiasm, one has the zeal to do everything but slowly it wanes. And then it reaches the level of absolute distaste. Distaste to the extent that I lose all interest and get lost in my own world of randomness. This period gets manifested in doing things which, at the moment, contribute to negating the effort invested in the beginning. And when it is the time for the end, there is just hope. The hope that everything sorts itself out. That's when all the introspection and retrospection occur. By then, it's too late. Too fucking late.
I know for a fact that, right now, I have to spend time in a planned manner. Doing things absolutely necessary and avoiding those which are even remotely not contributing to the objective for the few coming weeks. This post is completely out of line. However, I needed this. I needed to sort my insecurities and my mistakes. Otherwise, I wouldn't have been aware of them and would have headed towards another disaster. Good that it's done. Now, let's get back.
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