Finally!
Well, this was something I had been planning since quite some time. I hadn't arrived at a perfect moment to do it, although the moment I chose was something I had thought of at more than one instance. I don't regret the manner in which I did it. It was a moment when I was extremely happy and buoyant and more so because of the reaction. The way his eyes had lit up (maybe in shock, or sheer happiness, I don't know!) and that full smile, is something I can still picture in my mind. Well, the only confusing bit is that minute little possibility that because of the state of inebriation, he might not recall it now! But well, I don't think that's completely true, given the events that have transpired since.
To my mind, that moment was not about me coming out to him as gay, (although yes, that was an underlying assumption) but more of an admission of me liking him. Obviously one can't control the nature and manner of information that flows from mouth to ear in this place and can only be careful in this regard. This involves me answering the larger question: Do I regret it? The first concern, in this regard, is obviously people coming to know. And then discussing it (read gossiping) behind your back. Well, till the time I am here, I am not worried with the discussion because I have reached a comfortable position in that regard. I have already told the people I wanted to tell in these four years. Those who were close to me and cared for me.
The other concern that stems is someone (with whom I have had minimal interaction so far) coming up to me and directly asking: Dude, are you gay?. Well, I can't think of someone who is so stupid to ask that. Obviously, I am! I just confessed to a GUY on whom I have had a crush for like more than 3 years! How daft would someone be to not draw the logical conclusion! If that question is meant for the purposes of extracting information about me and frankly if you are a person who hasn't given a damn about me or my existence for these given years, then frankly, you have no right to know, at least from my mouth. Go rely on the gossip.
But then there are those kind of people too who'd ask this question not to poke fun or as some fresh gossip material but to just quench their curiosity or out of concern, because in some way, it affects them. Well to them, yes, I am gay and am sorry if you thought I should have told you earlier. The underlying point here being that there might have been moments in the past when I might have considered telling you but then there were some circumstances or the nature of our relationship wasn't such that warranted such a reliance. Hence. But frankly, apologies for not letting you know.
For the rest. Good that you have some news to fill your lives with. Well, I am not that important a person anyway here and if for these brief periods, it is I who figure out in your conversations, then, kudos to me! Not that I am proud of it, but that is the only way I can make myself feel good about it. So, go ahead. Carry on those conversations.
The only thing I regret in this entire situation is my behaviour with a certain someone who was concerned. I might justify it by saying that I was having my moment and this was something I had planned for a long period of time, but nothing of this should have made me behave in the manner I did with her. Hence, I am sorry. This being an unconditional, unqualified one. I don't know what else to say and right now, I regret it the most. I hope we can get past this and be the way we were.
Another tiny fear is the possibility of an awkwardness. That being between the one to whom I confessed and me. Not that I have had conversations with him before or we were anywhere close to 'friends' or even 'acquaintances' but there still lingers this doubt that although at that moment when I told him it was all happy and light, post that and upon an employment of some thought on his part, he might be creeping the fuck out. I don't know. If that's the situation, then I am sorry for having made you uncomfortable.
But for now, and except for that one instance mentioned, I don't feel bad about or regret anything. Well, why should I?
To my mind, that moment was not about me coming out to him as gay, (although yes, that was an underlying assumption) but more of an admission of me liking him. Obviously one can't control the nature and manner of information that flows from mouth to ear in this place and can only be careful in this regard. This involves me answering the larger question: Do I regret it? The first concern, in this regard, is obviously people coming to know. And then discussing it (read gossiping) behind your back. Well, till the time I am here, I am not worried with the discussion because I have reached a comfortable position in that regard. I have already told the people I wanted to tell in these four years. Those who were close to me and cared for me.
The other concern that stems is someone (with whom I have had minimal interaction so far) coming up to me and directly asking: Dude, are you gay?. Well, I can't think of someone who is so stupid to ask that. Obviously, I am! I just confessed to a GUY on whom I have had a crush for like more than 3 years! How daft would someone be to not draw the logical conclusion! If that question is meant for the purposes of extracting information about me and frankly if you are a person who hasn't given a damn about me or my existence for these given years, then frankly, you have no right to know, at least from my mouth. Go rely on the gossip.
But then there are those kind of people too who'd ask this question not to poke fun or as some fresh gossip material but to just quench their curiosity or out of concern, because in some way, it affects them. Well to them, yes, I am gay and am sorry if you thought I should have told you earlier. The underlying point here being that there might have been moments in the past when I might have considered telling you but then there were some circumstances or the nature of our relationship wasn't such that warranted such a reliance. Hence. But frankly, apologies for not letting you know.
For the rest. Good that you have some news to fill your lives with. Well, I am not that important a person anyway here and if for these brief periods, it is I who figure out in your conversations, then, kudos to me! Not that I am proud of it, but that is the only way I can make myself feel good about it. So, go ahead. Carry on those conversations.
The only thing I regret in this entire situation is my behaviour with a certain someone who was concerned. I might justify it by saying that I was having my moment and this was something I had planned for a long period of time, but nothing of this should have made me behave in the manner I did with her. Hence, I am sorry. This being an unconditional, unqualified one. I don't know what else to say and right now, I regret it the most. I hope we can get past this and be the way we were.
Another tiny fear is the possibility of an awkwardness. That being between the one to whom I confessed and me. Not that I have had conversations with him before or we were anywhere close to 'friends' or even 'acquaintances' but there still lingers this doubt that although at that moment when I told him it was all happy and light, post that and upon an employment of some thought on his part, he might be creeping the fuck out. I don't know. If that's the situation, then I am sorry for having made you uncomfortable.
But for now, and except for that one instance mentioned, I don't feel bad about or regret anything. Well, why should I?
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