RassMalaai Rites

So, there is this moment when you believe, in all sincerity, that you have, in your life a new person whom you can trust, tell your secrets, spend time and do all that shit you do with an old friend. You start liking that person despite his shortcomings. You are the sort of person who likes to hold on to relationships and sustain them. You are the one who believes that one requires a good deal of time-spending for a friendship, or for that matter, any relationship to nurture. But then, at times, it feels as if the blossoming of this 'relationship' was pretty immature and basically, not required. You feel that this is becoming too one-sided, requiring too much of an 'investment' of effort on your part. And then you begin to realize that you always knew what kind of a person he was. You always knew that there might be a point of time in the future where you might have to face what you are facing now. So, you entered into this 'relationship' with all this in min...

Once one is in a place, rather, in an institution which has its own rules, its own structure, an independent structure of functioning, one really doesn't have an option other than adapting oneself to it. Any deviation, at the first instance, is not appreciated. Such a 'non-appreciation' is not to be attributed only to the agents of the institution. It is very much apparent in the people who are subject  to the institution. Such an attitude is, at times, reflected in those people who at some point or the other raise their voice against the institution. But that's not my point. Rather, not what it seemed like in my head. Once there, one adapts oneself too such an extent that when once transported outside that place, it's difficult to adapt oneself back to the 'outside' world. Are these the woes of a large-scale institution comprising a universe in itself? How big a number signifies a universe? 1? 200? 2000? There is no specific number, I guess. A...

When I come to think of it, it doesn't seem that simple. This summer, when I came back home and saw Mom all hustled up about behen’s shaadi , the preparations she has already started, I was highly taken aback. Not at the moment, but after sometime when in the night, after having consumed a lot of Nutella and watching random Friends’ episodes, I was about to fall asleep. It was the music that made me think. Not immediately, though. It first made me think of a partner for myself. You know, boyfriend types. The one for me. The one I would hang out with. The one with whom I would have long chats on the phone or anywhere else. But I guess, a lot of that feeling is induced. A lot of it finds its way into me because I see other people doing it. But somewhere, I do want it too. Who that will be, is a different question altogether. I know I have friends. I know they are there for me. But then, you always like to have someone special. And much of what resists me from going into a...

What do you do in such a situation? You have, at one hand a bundle of enjoyment, all what you want, all what you seek for, all what you wished for, all what you desire and on the other hand, you have your parents. Looking at you with a smile. With all the trust in their eyes. The sun shining behind them. Trust. What are they trusting you for? I guess, every parent trusts their kid. It’s just that none of them including mine give a hand out of guidelines as what to do and what not to. I guess one would feel guilty of having broken a parent’s trust when one is not very sure of doing a thing. There are many things which seem a bit not do-able when you come to think it from your parent’s point of view. But then, there are a few things which if done, some other things are put in jeopardy, then comes the question of breaking that trust. What is right for you in such a situation? It is not enough that your parents trust you and place their confidence in you. This process of placing tru...

Sometimes, like now, I wonder why do all of my posts seem like confessions, venting-out, anti-depression self help guides. There has been no actual employment of an effort to make it so. Does it necessarily imply that I remain vexed all the time? Am I like this pathetic vermin who has no other better job in the world than cribbing?  See, I am treading that line again. Well, let's make a conscious effort of not being so. Let's try not making this forum a discussion about the anxieties (sexual or otherwise) of my life. Like right now, I feel very light and buoyant. You know where I actually derive this buoyant feeling from? Getting down to specifics, it is that plain texture of the cloth on that perfectly plain and tender torso. You know, the feeling you get when you see a very casual loose shirt worn by someone who has a flat stomach, a well, not well-built, formed chest, so that the shirt does not fit tightly on to him but hangs loosely around his body. It's like h...

Date: 15 th February, 2012 Time: 00:09 A.M. **, I have no idea that you have ever had an idea of what I am about to say. Maybe, you had but it must have just been a passing idea which you must have shrugged off in disbelief. But I do believe, that you have had atleast an ounce of the belief, at least once, no? Please, don’t insult my intelligence by a denial. Let’s start with the facts. Place: ****’s house at ********, on the roof. Moment: That song, on which we danced, hugging, closely and you whispered into my ears – “I wish I was [it should have been ‘were’, though] ***”. (there were many such moments to follow) Aftermath: A warm feeling inside me emerged, to continue holding you tightly and never let you go. I rushed to the loo and sat there for half an hour thinking, I don’t know what. I coughed, felt nauseated and nostalgic the very next moment. I know, nostalgia is something that is a remembrance of something long back……but it did seem a...

I know, to a certain extent, that I am not going to meet him again. Is it for good? Or was it stupid of me to miss the opportunity? One thing is sure, he wanted it and he knew that I somewhere wanted it too. He knew it. Obviously, if anyone else had been in my place, then he would have reacted, and reacted vehemently. But this was new, something completely new!  I was terrified, to be completely honest. I was excited too. I wanted it too. He was hot, I mean in the rugged sense though. But I don’t know. Maybe he had some other motive. My heartbeat was running at some speed I didn’t know. The tickle was the inception. I was aroused at that very moment. My trouser zip would have burst if he had continued. First, I thought it was just an accident and he had no intention. But then he stared. Continuously. As if he was waiting for a reply. Some reply. In some form. Maybe a smile. Some affirmative eye movement. Something! I was too confused to reply. In any form. I tried looking at him...