RassMalaai Rites

I know, to a certain extent, that I am not going to meet him again. Is it for good? Or was it stupid of me to miss the opportunity? One thing is sure, he wanted it and he knew that I somewhere wanted it too. He knew it. Obviously, if anyone else had been in my place, then he would have reacted, and reacted vehemently. But this was new, something completely new!  I was terrified, to be completely honest. I was excited too. I wanted it too. He was hot, I mean in the rugged sense though. But I don’t know. Maybe he had some other motive. My heartbeat was running at some speed I didn’t know. The tickle was the inception. I was aroused at that very moment. My trouser zip would have burst if he had continued. First, I thought it was just an accident and he had no intention. But then he stared. Continuously. As if he was waiting for a reply. Some reply. In some form. Maybe a smile. Some affirmative eye movement. Something! I was too confused to reply. In any form. I tried looking at him...

A multitude of opinions streaming through from everywhere, from everyone, from unexpected quarters, from unknown corners, from someone I didn’t care about ,about someone I have come to care about. In this muddle, lies the innocent choice. The choice slashed at by these opinions but a choice that still remains. A choice that gives me some amount of pleasure at some undefined moment, a choice that comes up with a surprise, a choice that makes me look forward to it, a choice that gives me the hope that I have made the right choice. But the opinions. Opinions presenting something contrary to my perception. Not always contrary because somewhere deep down I know the opinions are true but the choice? What’s true and false about a choice? What’s wrong and right about a choice? Isn’t a choice a choice and only a choice and remains the choice despite the decreeing of value judgments on it? But is it this simple? Is the choice completely unperturbed by opinions? Do opinions have no value? Re...

It was a moment of pride. A moment of validation. A moment where my choice was given authentication by one of my kind (It's as if we're some species about to get extinct). But it was also a moment which I had anticipated. Also, a moment I had feared. A moment where my envy would begin. A point of time, after the passing of which, I wanted to be possessive. But that's when all I wanted to be and do, came crumbling down. I sound terribly romantic, but the fact is that I don't feel all that I thought I would have. It's good no? <Do blog posts have to be short?, I mean I don't feel like writing anymore, but I feel as if it's incomplete> Today at 10:15 P.M., my love for him increased all the more, reached a point wherefrom I could not view him from the angle I had viewed him and had been viewing him since some time. I think its the music that's pushing the feeling all the more. And it is the music that makes me say, " I love you, m...

Here at *** School, we all love having discussions. Discussions are encouraged. Discussions are good. They bring into forefront new ideas, new viewpoints, radical ideas, and a new dimension to an established ‘good’ thing, a completely different stand to an issue. But the question is, do we need them? Just because our future depends on debates and arguments, do we need discuss every idea of ours? Aren’t there are certain ground rules (I don’t know if you can call them rules?) that are accepted as a set thing? Why do we need cynicism to creep into every new aspect? Accepted, they force one to think on a line never thought of before but what is the limit to it? One can have a cynical view on almost everything in the world. And the fact that there are so many people who have such different stands on a single issue, the scope to which cynicism can be exercised is HUGE! I don’t feel like giving defences to my stand. I just want to blabber without any cynical view (okay fine, yo...

I was wondering what it would be like if my teeth were made of chocolate. Not chocolate in specific, but rather, melody (the toffee). It would be a pleasurable exercise to sit every other minute and till 32 minutes just chew each of my teeth to satisfaction. And then, sweep my tongue over the entire gum. The last bits of the melody left over the gums would be nice. Specially, to find them here and there. The feeling of surprise to find some bit hidden somewhere and even after an hour continue finding bits and pieces of the melody in the mouth actually excites me. Yes, I am jobless. I am not getting convinced to the core. I am not finding that force which binds me to this stupid exercise. This is a different exercise I am talking about. Is it again under-rating myself? Or am I just realizing my ‘aukaat’? My mind is inclined to believing the second proposition. And I cannot think of anything else than the fact as to the quantum of things that the ‘exercise’ will snatch away...

Doesn't an aerial view of any freaking thing in the world look amazing? A slum looks aesthetic, a game of volleyball (however much pain the players might be going through) looks fun, a city in the night looks like a sea of light, I guess the world looks minute and so so the various complexities associated with it. A city, however much crowded and congested, looks planned in some sort of way. And the mind, well, is invisible and I guess this is the reason why everything looks simple and planned. You know why I was watching the volleyball game (if you can actually call it a game, I don't know)? Just waiting for the appropriate moment for 'him' to take that shirt off his chest. He's lean, thin but it's nice to see his body bathed in the sweat (today, it would be the rain, I guess), making the graduations in his body even more prominent. The fact that he doesn't flaunt adds so much to the amount of love (?) for him. This music is actually rushing the adre...

I never knew I would have had to restrict my emotions to such a level. I had never realized that even after the “coming out” I would have had to face such a kind of dilemma. You know, I had always imagined that once it is out of my mind and being and there among the others, I would be a bit relaxed and a bit more free-spirited in terms of expression and love for another. But I guess, I had painted too beautiful and utopian a future and cynicism had never crept into it. Time for some dose of the same. It’s the heavy feeling when he looks, it’s the increase in the temperature at his sight meeting mine, it’s the smell of his body when he passes by, it’s every crap that comes out of his mouth, it’s his eccentricities, his idiosyncrasies, it’s his regular utterance of the same dialogue, it’s the warmth in his hug, it’s the smell of his breath, it’s the touch of his shirt, it’s his holding of my arm, it’s that one time when he kissed me on the cheek, it’s the one time when we hug...

Sometimes, it is best to go with what you’re thinking. To just go and do it. Don’t worry. I am not talking about sexual fantasies and going on to bang the next nude guy you see. Procrastination seems to be fine at the moment when you’re doing it. The period post it is horrible. And you know what? We make every effort to not make it horrible by doing other horrible things. Like wasting more time. Is what I am doing right now procrastination? What do I think is procrastination? Do I need a dictionary for it? No. It’s not listening to what your heart says what you should do at the time when it says so. At the present moment, it asked me to write. So here I am, spilling whatever my heart dictates. The other day I wanted to write about a cigarette. I was entering the college gate with my friends after having had a smoke at the rocks. But I didn’t write. And I didn’t do anything otherwise too. Why? I don’t know. Was it because I was influenced? Or was it because some other crazy ...

Well, it is an accepted fact now. Questions and doubts regarding the same can’t change anything now. And frankly, all of this vexes me. It is like people aren’t ready to accept the fact in its totality. Well, it’s clear and out there! The entire time and thought process can’t be centralized around this fact. It’s well and good that I’m gay and the acceptance of the same fact by me, myself is proof enough of the fact that I need not provide clarifications to anyone else. I need something, something that now sets me forward on to the track chosen by me. Some kind of a Lord, you know, to set me on and set me in. The experiences shared by people who have similar kind of experiences might prove of some help, I don’t deny but they don’t seem to be of any help as of now. It’s like I am able to identify with those experiences and feel what he’s been through/felt but what after that? It has been a crazy time, though. Of revelations, of confrontations, of acceptances, of s...

“Nikal Jao, Ma,....is ghar se chali jao...You have a sick mind, a filthy mind, jao...” Wow, I wish I could say all this (not the SAME things, but some things with the same thrust). More than a confession to anyone else, it was one to me. Did it make any difference to me or to someone else? I can’t say about anyone else but for me, it did. Not that it legitimised certain things but it did give a solid reason for their commission. It was one thing that ultimately got solved and someone has to be thanked for it. Thank you, Poopie. How does it go from here? I know, if seen in exclusion from everyone around me, it would be WOW. But that’s true for everyone. Everyone does something or the other because of an external push. But I can’t orient my life because of that external push. Sometimes, I wonder, whether there is an external push? Or is it something people say, “It depends from person to person” (I hate this line, it’s pathetic, sick and extremely clichéd but it is sadly, true). Mayb...